The Duffer's Elegy
By William Hodgson Ellis
“Oh! put me on your waiting list
I'll be a golfer if I may
And learn the joys too long I've missed
Before I get too old to play!”
They gave him on the list a place
And year by year they let him wait,
For golfers are a long-lived race
And very seldom emigrate.
When, after many weary years,
He reached the top his sponsor said,
“The friend (excuse these natural tears)
Whom I proposed has long been dead.”
And when at last in Charon's wherry,
It was the sponsor's turn to stand
His friend came down to meet the ferry
A phantom niblick in his hand.
“Welcome to Hades,” thus the shade
In hollow-sounding accents spoke
Then spied a puff-ball and essayed
To loft it, but he muffed his stroke.
“Permit me, pray, to be your guide
Until you've learnt your way about
Our golf course is our greatest pride
Old Colonel Bogey laid it out.
“Some people say Avernus stinks
And Acheron smells like a sewer
But Fernhill golfers like our links
They find the air so fresh and pure.
“Cocytus, Styx and Phlegethon
As hazards serve extremely well,
In this particular alone,
The Lambton links are just like Hell.
“The asphodel wants cutting sadly,
The lies are wretched, more's the pity
But everything is managed badly
By that infernal Green Committee.
“Come, lay aside your shroud and pall
And play a friendly round with me.”
(A Dead Sea apple was the ball,
A pinch of church-yard dust, the tee.)
He took the club of cypress wood
And smote what seemed a mighty blow,
But, though the aim was true and good
The ball remained in statu quo.
“Alack and well-a-day,” he cried,
“A duffer must I ever be,
A duffer I have lived and died
A duffer through Eternity.”
1905
Poem Analysis:
"The Duffer's Elegy" by William Hodgson Ellis is a whimsical and humorous poem that explores the intersection of golf and the afterlife. Using clever wordplay, playful imagery, and a lighthearted tone, the poem pokes fun at both the sport of golf and the idea of eternity. Through its witty verses, the poem offers a unique perspective on the concept of heaven and the perpetual pursuit of golf.
- The Eager Golfer's Request: The poem begins with an enthusiastic golfer requesting a spot on a waiting list for the opportunity to play golf in the afterlife. The speaker expresses his desire to learn the joys of golf that he has missed out on during his lifetime. This sets the stage for a humorous exploration of the golfer's journey beyond the mortal realm.
- The Eternal Wait: The golfer's eagerness is met with a comical twist as he is placed on the waiting list year after year. The poem highlights the longevity of golfers, suggesting that they rarely pass away, leading to a perpetual waitlist. This notion adds an amusing layer to the golfer's predicament, as he is seemingly trapped in a cycle of anticipation.
- The Sponsoring Friend's Passing: In a humorous turn of events, the golfer's sponsoring friend, who originally recommended him for the afterlife golf club, eventually passes away. This twist adds a touch of irony, as the friend who vouched for him is no longer present to make the introduction in the afterlife.
- A Comical Afterlife Golf Course: As the golfer transitions to the afterlife, he is greeted by a fellow golfer who acts as his guide. They arrive at a golf course in the afterlife, complete with its own set of hazards and challenges. The course's hazards, including rivers like Cocytus and Styx, are humorously described as serving extremely well as obstacles on the course.
- A Never-Ending Game: The poem playfully depicts the afterlife golf course, humorously named "Fernhill," as having its own peculiarities. Despite the challenges, the golfer is enthusiastic about playing in the afterlife. However, he discovers that even in eternity, he is unable to improve his golf game. This revelation adds an element of absurdity to the poem, emphasizing the golfer's forever-dismal skills.
- The Duffer's Lament: The poem concludes with the golfer's lament that he will forever be a "duffer" (an incompetent golfer) throughout eternity. This witty twist on the traditional notion of an elegy serves as a humorous reflection on both the golfer's dedication to the sport and the eternal nature of golf itself.
"The Duffer's Elegy" by William Hodgson Ellis offers a comical and imaginative take on the world of golf and the concept of the afterlife. Through clever wordplay and a light-hearted tone, the poem blends elements of golfing enthusiasm with the eternal pursuit of a perfect game, leaving readers with a smile and a chuckle as they contemplate the quirks of both life and the hereafter.